


What We've Lost

by cutiifly



Category: Xenoblade Chronicles X
Genre: F/F, Pip has a huge crush whats up, Pre-Relationship, gay gorls helo, god. this is gay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-20
Updated: 2017-09-20
Packaged: 2018-12-31 20:28:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,931
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12140493
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cutiifly/pseuds/cutiifly
Summary: Everybody has a tragic past on Mira, so Pip tries not to worry about the people she's left behind or the things she's lost.But when she thinks of what Irina's going through, she just wants her to feel less alone.Post Oblivian Goetia encounter, pre-relationship fic. Gay stuff, etc. Self indulgent as always, but hopefully you'll enjoy it anyway.





	What We've Lost

**Author's Note:**

> I leave this note at the start of all my xcx fics bc it bears clarifying for anyone who doesn't know- the 'canon' i operate and write under is one wherein the 'primary' cross is Thorne, and the 'secondary' is Pip, his sister. That's about all the details you need to understand what's going on, though, so read on and enjoy at your leisure!

It isn't long after the battle with Goetia in Oblivia that Pip Cross finds herself stranded in a lean-to waiting out a rat-drowning thunderstorm with Irina Akulov.

Mims are sturdy- sturdier than a human body by any criteria- but sometimes it really is best to just wait out the weather. Visibility and mobility are hindered in conditions like this, as are communications, and Thorne and the rest of their mission group are a good few hours away on foot even in clear weather right now. So as night falls, the two women pack it in and set up a small camp using Pip's Skell as a back wall and poles and awning to create a shelter. Pip keeps basic supplies on hand for things like this, so they're able to be at least minimally comfortable as they settle down for the evening.

Neither of them is any good as a cook, though, unfortunately, beyond just heating or reheating things, so they're dining on protein bars and tea for dinner. Irina is poking at their small fire pensively while Pip soaks in the warmth leaking through her tin mug.

By all considerations, the petite mechanic feels lucky that she has- at least partially- gotten over the stuttery, butterflies-in-the-stomach, pink-faced phase of her (worsening) crush on the interceptor. It means that being stuck alone with her for a wing of the mission (though she was on skell duty) was not as big a problem this time as it may have been before. Pip can hold a normal conversation with Irina now, minus her usual level of stuttering and stammering- a natural speech problem she's had since childhood, just like her brother. Fighting alongside her on missions has made Pip less antsy about her physical presence- having Gwin (probably Pip's closest friend, honestly) as a crutch in social situations has helped her learn enough about Irina's personality and behaviors to maneuver around her own terrible shyness.

And anyway, with the threat of the Ganglion, human extinction, and the general pressures of her work as an Outfitter hanging over her head, well...Pip just has less space to let herself worry about how to behave around the girl she likes anyway. A mixed blessing, she supposes, as she tunes out a rumble of thunder and sends a text update to Thorne's half of the team letting them know their coordinates for meeting up later.

For a long time, it's very quiet. No conversation stirs as Pip quietly finishes her meager meal and Irina pulls out her rifle to perform maintenance. Pip pulls off her work gloves and fishes out a notebook to work on some equations for Lin's flight module, which she's been recruited to help develop. She doesn't have everything she needs with her to get any substantial work done, but double checking her data will keep her busy until she feels like sleeping. Irina will probably insist on taking the first watch anyway- she always does.

Fifteen minutes later, Pip is hunched lowly over her notebook and scribbling frantically when she's shaken out of her stupor by Irina calling out to her from across the fire.

“Hey...hey... _Pip_.”

Green eyes blink away from her work and Pip, a little dazed, looks up.

“Uh...sorry, did you say something?” She asks guiltily. Her lips purse into a frown, the tissue of the scar over her mouth stretching in accompaniment.

“You were muttering over your work again.” Irina informs plainly. Her tone is hard to read, but it's not upset, that much is certain. Pip has a bad habit of holding conversations with herself when doing math or debugging code. Gwin thinks it's exasperating, if hilarious. Elma and Thorne both seem to find it endearing(typical of her brother and her sister-figure). Lin...has a similar habit, honestly, so there isn't much to say there. Tatsu has never commented, and...well, neither has Irina, beyond shaking Pip out of her thoughts like this occasionally.

Actually, Pip has really never been able to gauge very well what Irina thinks of her. They've never had a conversation roll around to their personal opinions of each other. The ginger haired girl is thankful for that anyway, because if asked, she wouldn't be able to effectively lie. She'd probably return to a stuttering, tomato-faced state and attempt to sink into the ground, actually. (As a result, she's decided she can live without knowing Irina's thoughts on her beyond that of them being coworkers and, at least as of recently, friends.)

Realizing she's starting to space out again, Pip flushes just a touch and puts her equations book away bashfully. “I'm sorry.” she remarks sincerely, “I didn't mean to bother you.”

Irina is putting her weapons cleaning kit away, and shakes her head. “It's alright. I was more afraid your ears were about to start smoking.”

At that comment, the older woman's mouth twitches into a half smirk for a moment. Though she's generally very professional, especially out in the field, Irina does make little jabs or teases like this at people occasionally. That is, provided they're on friendly terms. They're always abrupt, never overstated, but still...it's a side of the lieutenant that Pip enjoys seeing. It means she's relaxed.

The mechanic rolls her eyes dramatically. “Well, at least I'd be staying warm.” She jokes back, and Irina shakes her head with a slight smile.

They recede into silence again for a few moments. Irina has gone back to watching the fire blankly. Pip watches her, chin resting on hands. She isn't sure why it's on her mind again, but she thinks back to the aftermath of their battle with Goetia, and Elma's remarks about Irina losing her younger brother.

She hasn't brought it up to anyone but Gwin since then. She asked her friend for more details about it, if he was willing to give any. Leon was his best friend before Pip was, after all. It isn't only for Irina's sake that she feels curious.

Gwin talked to her a little- both of them bearing in mind that there were some things Irina might not want him to say without permission- about what Leon was like and how Irina had been coping (had she been coping?) since.

Her heart hurts just thinking about it. Not just because it's Irina, but because Pip knows what it's like. Thorne was missing and presumed dead for a good while after their crash landing on Mira- Pip thought she'd lost her only family, and the heartache from those early days still surges back sometimes when she looks at her big brother. He's got only minimal memory of his past life left, most of it centered directly on Pip.

Their parents died in a car accident while taking Pip home from a routine doctor's appointment when she was two- Thorne was in second grade at the time, away on a field trip for school. He was rushed back by a teacher when the news came in, straight to the hospital, where their father was pronounced dead on arrival and their mother followed only hours later. The accident is the culprit of the scar on Pip's face. They spent a little over a decade bouncing around in the foster care system together after that, until Thorne aged out, graduated high school and got a full time job and studio apartment. At that point he took on the duty of being Pip's legal guardian with the help of a dedicated social worker.

The long and short of it is that Thorne is the only consistent thing Pip has ever had in her life, and according to Gwin it wasn't much different with Irina and Leon.

Pip got a second chance with her brother, she muses, but Irina won't with hers. She feels choked up, thinking about it, but even so...

She takes a deep breath.

“Lieutenant.” She speaks. (Irina has said once or twice that the rank isn't necessary with her, as Pip is a civilian crew member, but the formality makes it easier for Pip to stay composed when speaking to her- so she hasn't managed to drop it yet.)

Irina looks up attentively. “Need something?” She asks.

Pip hunches in on herself a little, not quite sure how to bring it up at first. She just jumps in, eventually.

“I...Elma told us about Leon.” She offers awkwardly.

The air turns a little tense. There's no ice, no anger, emanating from Irina. But she's certainly stiffened. Pip can see it in the rigid line of her shoulders.

It's a long few moments before she answer with, “I see.” and then, “How much did she tell you?”

“Just the basics.” Pip stammers, “That you had a brother who wasn't able to make it on board.”

She's taken a wave of her bangs between the thumb and forefinger of one of her hands, and is pulling at it awkwardly. A nervous habit. “I just...”

She realizes she doesn't know exactly what she wants to say.

“You just?” Irina asks with a facade of calmness.

Pip finally gathers enough composure to have something to offer.

“I just, I'm sorry for your loss.” She offers gently.

Irina's shoulders relax just a little, and as Pip peeks up at her briefly, she sees the interceptor's eyes are soft.

“It's in the past.” Irina says distantly.

Pip frowns and places her hands back in her lap.

“He was your brother, though.” She murmurs, “I'm so sorry.”

Irina gives her a look that she can't decipher, and looks away without responding.

Something comes to mind, and Pip shares it after only a brief consideration because honestly, it just feels like the right thing to do.

“I had a pretty serious girlfriend back on earth.” She announces into the night.

Something in Irina's face changes, but Pip still can't read it. She decides she won't try to, and continues speaking.

“Her name was Maria. We met in college and she played in a band with Thorne and I for a while.”

She starts pulling at her bangs again. “Around the time I made the White Whale crew, she broke things off.”

Pip pauses. Irina is dead silent.

“Things had been going fine, so I didn't really understand why.” She goes on, “She never explained herself and I never pushed her to. But it...I wasn't coping that well at first, and all. I'd applied to have her as a passenger, you know, so...”

More silence. Pip catches something in Irina's eyes. She isn't sure whether it's sympathy or pain.

She's feeling a little choked up as she soldiers on with her story. It's been over two years now, but it's not an easy thing to get over.

“She died.” Pip elaborates, “I mean, a lot of people did, but...Maria was a civilian casualty in a battle shortly before the Whale's departure.”

The shaky breath she takes to steady herself results in a tear or two spilling out. “I found out two days after it happened. I'd been notified just prior that she was accepted onto the passenger list.”

Pip sniffs and wipes her face clear, managing to hold back any further waterworks. She looks up at Irina with a wan smile, but it freezes awkwardly in place when she sees the lieutenant's shocked countenance. She looks like she's been stabbed. Pip has never seen Irina react to anything she's said like this, so it's jarring to say the least. She hunches back in on herself again, and looks away.

“I had...no idea.” Irina offers apologetically after a moment, though she's done nothing in relation to this to be sorry for- aside from, of course, being the first person Pip's let herself grow so attached to since Maria's death.

But Pip shrugs. “I don't really talk about it. Everybody in NLA has a story like that now, you know, so it would feel...silly. Still, I know yours now, so I thought you might as well know mine too.”

Irina frowns at Pip very deeply for a moment. And then, she stands up.

Pip doesn't know what's going on, so she just watches. Irina circles the fire purposefully, then comes to a stop in front of the small outfitter. She kneels down in front of her.

“Um, Lieutenant?” Pip asks nervously.

Irina lets loose a sigh. “I'm sorry, Pip.” She says it softly, and takes her by the shoulders, then draws her into a gentle but unmistakable hug.

Pip's pulse spikes and skyrockets instantly, because this is the closest she's ever even _been_ to Irina, touching or not. Her breath hitches for a moment, but she forces her heart back into her rib-cage from her throat with some effort. Still, she doesn't have the wherewithal to return the hug properly, and just clings to one of Irina's sleeves with a shaking hand.

“It's in the past.” She says clumsily into the other woman's shoulder, “It still hurts, of course, I mean...grieving is a long process. I haven't dated since, obviously, but. I've moved on, at least from the breakup, I guess.”

She forces herself to stop talking when she realizes her voice is wavering because she's begun to properly cry. Irina's hold on her tightens as Pip begins to quietly sob. A hand settles on her head comfortingly, and the interceptor is silent. She simply lets Pip cling and weep for a few minutes. And maybe she's shaking a little too, Pip thinks. Maybe they both really need a good cry and a long hug. Just about everyone does, so nobody asks anymore, but that doesn't change it. The mechanic chokes on her tears and circles her arms around Irina's back and for a long while, they just hold on to each other for dear life.

Pip is never aware of calming down, or getting drowsy and drifting off. The last thing she remembers when she blinks blearily up at the awning several hours later is trying to breath through her running nose.

She hears scuffling and activity a ways away, and realizes it's small indigens stirring as the sun rises through the dissipating clouds.

Carefully, she gauges her situation. She's laid out on her bedroll with Irina's jacket over her(they hadn't had blankets on hand). It's around now that she realizes she must have fallen asleep while crying at some point, and must have been much more exhausted than she had realized. She sits up.

The fire has already been put out and the smaller things from around their campsite have been packed away. Irina is standing at the edge of their lean-to talking on her comm device. Pip can't make out the words in her still sleep fogged state of mind, but she does discern that Elma's voice is coming from the other end of the line.

Awkwardly, she stands, indulging herself a little and wrapping Irina's jacket around her shoulders. Once her vision is clear and her senses are working properly, she shuffles(Irina seems to have removed her boots from her feet. Hm.) over to the interceptor to gaze out at the soggy landscape with her.

“Alright.” Irina says into her comm device, glancing sidelong at Pip, “We'll be here waiting, then. See you in an hour, Colonel.”

Elma says something Pip doesn't catch in return, probably just an affirmative, as Irina hangs up just after. Pip looks up at her when she turns to face the younger girl.

“The rain let up a couple of hours ago.” Irina informs her, “The others will come meet us here- they got an early start and are on their way already.”

“Oh. Okay, then.” Pip says, offering a nod of understanding. She gazes back out at the grasslands. “Guess I should put my shoes on and do a check on my skell before then...”

She shuffles for a moment. Irina does as well. Neither of them speaks. Finally, Pip heaves out a sigh and hold Irina's jacket out to her.

“Sorry for passing out on you.” the outfitter says.

“You don't have to apologize.” Irina cuts in. Something is soft in her tone, and she takes her jacket carefully. Their hands brush, and Pip tries not to notice that Irina's hand twitches away almost spastically when it happens. But the motion is so strange that she has to, and she gazes at the taller woman curiously as she whirls around and goes to gather the rest of her gear.

She wants to let herself think the lieutenant is flustered by the contact, but Pip doesn't like to let herself hope too much about these things. She shakes the thought away and scampers to find her boots and pull up the pegs holding the canvas awning down. She has to do a gear and hardware check before they can go anywhere.

As she's packing things behind the pilot's seat of her skell half an hour later, she looks down from her perch and catches Irina looking up at her. She's gotten her equipment together and looks the same as ever.

Well, aside from the fond smile.

Pip somehow manages to give her a grin in return, but she's shaken into a red-faced state once she's inside her skell and checking its systems over.

When Thorne and the others come within sight, she starts her machine up and throws a greeting out over her speaker. And she tries, desperately, not to let her thoughts linger on Irina's eyes.

There's still work to do.

She can worry about crushes and late night heart to hearts another time.

 


End file.
